I'm waiting for a Miracle.

soooo not everyone knows a lot about me. some might know. a lot do not.

I was born 2 months premature. Thus giving me A LOT of medical problems. I have asthma, without my inhaler, i’m dead. My life literally fits in the palm of my hand. Those inhalers are not cheap. I have to buy my life. I have scoliosis. It’s not so severe that i can’t walk or stand up straight, for this im glad, but it is bad enough to the point where im constantly in sever pain. As im writing this im twisting and fidgeting because my back is hurting. I cannot sit or stand for too long. I’ve had many sessions of physical therapy. They helped a little, but alas, were too expensive to continue. I was buying my ability to feel at ease. Because of my scoliosis, i had to discontinue cheerleading. I had practiced and practiced, but it was too much for my back to handle in the end. I was seriously harming myself, and i wasnt even on the team yet. I have joint problems. Wrists, fingers, elbows, shoulders, hips, knees, ankles, toes. All ache. Constantly. If you ever see me popping any of these joints, know that im in pain and trying to relieve it. I dont know for sure, but im pretty sure i will have arthritis in the future. I have multiple allergies. Dogs, cats, milk. All though not too severe a case, it does prevent me from sleeping with my beloved animals. I’m lucky enough to have them. I tend not to listen to my mom when she says not to have them near me, but i love animals. I couldnt bare not being able to be with them. havent i given up enough? I suffer from season depression. In the winter i get really depressed, it has to do with the weather.  It was bad, but not that bad. Now unfortunately i suffer from full on depression, bad got worse. I have a mild case of Schizophrenia. For those who do not know what that is, its basically when you think you hear or see things that arent really there. when you cannot tell dreams from reality. so if i ever ask you something stupid, confused and unsure, just humor me and tell me the truth. i might have dreamt something and am not sure if it was real or not. This does not happen often, but every once in a while, life will throw a curveball my way.

As for my home life, HA. i am not a happy kid. I grew up with parents fighting, and yelling, sometimes there was hitting. Not the family i would ever think of having. I always saw the girls who’s dad played knight and princess, piggy back rides, kites in the park. i was never “daddy’s little girl”. i hated seeing those shirts that had that quote written on them. i despised it. I wanted the mom who taught me how to do things, but no, “i learned to do it on my own, you can do it too.” my mom is a hair stylist. i always wanted to know how to do my hair pretty, curl it, cute up-do. “Try doing it yourself. I did it by myself.” i didnt learn how to curl my hair until the beggining of this year, or the end of last year, i dont remember. Whenever i watch “sad movies”, if a dog dies, meh. if parents start arguing with their kids, i ball. It hurts cause i know how it feels. me and my mom fight EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I cry EVERY SINGLE DAY. I ran away once, didnt get far. I was in 7th grade! How can someone so young, be so upset? my dad isnt even a story i can try to tell you. i could not put into words how much of a jerk he is. He might take us out, but he does it cause he HAS too. not cause he misses seeing us. we were all MISTAKES. He wasnt even going to stay with me, it wasnt until the second mistake came along that he had to take responsibility. How could you try to leave your ONLY daughter? And now, wow, my parents completely dislike me. hate i dont know. but i know they can barely tolerate me. i clean, and cook, and took over my dads fucking spot after he left. and you treat me like this? thanks. you call me fat, dumb, stupid. you dont think thats going to affect me? I envy my bestfriends. their parents fight sometimes, but theyre together, and they love eachother. They might not see how good they have it, but i do. i can see how their parents love them, even if sometimes they argue with them.

now him. oh god. 3 years, 3 whole years. thats 75% of my high school life. i cant. i cant even write anymore. thats all i can say. everything about him is just a big mess in my head and i cant get anything out. maybe its too much too say, idk.

well, theres a little bit of my life for you. Theres a WHOLE lot more to say, and thats the truth. i dont think i would want to write out EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING, thats went wrong in my life. because 1. it would take to damn long and my battery is dying. 2. none of you really care. i just wanted to vent. HA! thats another thing, to those who say they care, STOP FUCKING LYING. I care. i show i care. but i havent seen one piece of evidence from ANYONE (one person actually) that shows you actually care. truth is, none of you really do. I’m just another person that you will all evenutally forget about. i dont matter. and even if you did try to talk to me, chances are i wouldnt talk, because i’m no longer letting anyone into my life. i’ve made walls and i doubt they are coming down anytime soon. im a fucking mess, and i highly doubt anyone wants the trouble of fixing a mess. good fucking night.